wondering/wandering

“you look tired” said my colleague yesterday while i was outside of our office, thinking about… nothing.  i decided to step out for a while to get some fresh air.  it was raining lightly yesterday afternoon and the wind felt good on my skin.  it was cool.

“ganun ba?”  (is that so?) i replied with a smile.  i told her that i was just sleepy, not tired.  but that was not the truth.  i was tired.  still am, actually.  i’m tired of thinking about a lot of things that are happening in my life right now, and of things that i want to happen but are not happening– especially those relating to my career.

you would think that the person who’s the easiest to understand would yourself, but no!  one day you’d realize that there is actually a stranger living inside you and you try so hard to get to know this stranger, make her your friend – your best friend – but she’s just the most bashful little thing you’ve ever known.  and i’m just tired of all this drama.  why don’t i know what i want?  why is it so hard to do?

there are times when i think everything is going fine – that i am just exaggerating the “problems” that i have.  my mind would occassionally calm myself down and reassure me that i am near that point in my life where i can finally say, “finally!  i now know!”  but there are times when i just spiral down and in an instant, i am again lost.

i look at my closest friends and they seem to be content with their lives, moving on.  i rarely hear any sentiment resembling my own from them.   i do have a couple of friends who are also experiencing some sort of “identity crisis,” but the rest are fine.  sometimes i wonder if my “fulfilled friends” are really fulfilled now or are just trying to avoid such topics too.

i am trying really hard but i always seem to go back to step one!  what lesson has my soul not understood yet?

below are songs that have been constantly in my personal soundtrack for years.   they express exactly how i feel.  i appreciate the fact that i am not the only one who is experiencing what i am experiencing now, but i hate the fact that i can relate to them… still.

~nowhere fast by incubus

~ why georgia by john mayer

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